So I just got off the phone with "MR. I WANNA DO U TONITE" guy and I told him that the Pussy Shop is not open for business so he might as well let me go. I have my Mac Book hooked to the Speaker in the kitchen and then it came on as I sat on the kitchen stool... The new song by Nesby Phips... Psycho Felatio.
Now granted I know that Phips is spitting about stealing a chic from a dude. However, there is the one line I like "she say she like it when I talk to her in riddles..something.. something it gets her mind goin'.... (Im pretty sure I F***ed it up) but the gist of it is the fact that he gamed her into leaving her dude.
Psycho Felatio... Then I realized now that I'm bored with sex, perhaps some of the only attraction that I have had with men has only been about me wondering how good the sex may be. I mean have I become a boy?
Perhaps the same way men objectify women I have secretly sexually objectified men.. I think this comes with the fact that I already see a relationship as doomed from the start. I just believe that we ride the wave until it crashes. Some may say that I'm a pessimist, I say that I am a smart MFer.
For example if I get hired to do a party from a promoter I don't have a working relationship with, I will pretty much believe none of what he says, hence a contract will be signed. So if I don't do a blind business deal why should I do a blind heart and emotional transaction?
Therefore for the last 3 years I found myself looking at men for merely sexual stimulation. What happened to my mental though? Lot's of times I find myself entertaining dudes at dinner and wondering what he is really working with. Perhaps I am single because the notion of actually "being with someone" is foreign. Yes I can take that charge, but honestly who performed Psycho Felatio on me?
UHHHHHHH????? When is the last time (except my last lover, ..but he got ghost) I sat and ran it with a guy that intellectually stimulated me and I wanted to knock him down. I can't remember. I can't even remember most conversations I have with some men because I'm usually thinking about something random like an episode of Bleach..
Where is my psycho felatio?
Here is the Nebsy Phipps
http://www.okayplayer.com/news/audio-nesby-phips-psycho-felatio.html
LOVE-LESS CULTURE..... OUR DATING STORIES
These are the stories of our quest to find the greatest experience with lovers.. NOTICE we are not necessarily looking for love.. However, a great experience.. But somehow and someway, it doesn't always happen the way we planned.. Here are our stories..
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Esquire: The G-Code
Growing up in New Orleans, LA (Hollygrove) I've always followed a certain code... Whether it be the code of the streets, the jump-off code, or the friend code..I've always followed the rules because where I'm from, if you don't...you'll get ya head knocked of (seriously)
Without going into much detail, I wanna focus more specifically on what we call the "G" code. From the suburbs to the ghetto, the G code reigns supreme.
You never ever, ever, ever ever ever fuck your FRIEND"S ex,bf, "friend", dip, or any other adjective that applies.
I'm not sure who invented the G code and when it was first applied, but it has been around for ages. The rules are simple and everyone understands, yet no one follows.
Of course, no one will outright admit to sleeping with their friend's significant other but if you put enough liquor in their system...THE truth WILL come out.
Most recently me and my best friend Joffrey had a discussion on this topic. Joffrey is my ride or die nigga. If he's in jail, more than likely I'll be next to him. If he's in hell, best believe I'm the Devil that dragged him there.
Joffrey believed that it's okay for someone to sleep w/a friends jump-off . He believed that it's the the people that your friend is most serious about, that is off limits. I didn't quite agree.. I mean, how would you know how much someone liked somebody else? For Example: My friend Ashley's sister banned her from dating this guy b/c she kissed him when they were 12! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?--(bullshit)
Fuck all that, I really could care less. That was some female shit. As long as my boi informed me of his intentions, I would be str8, But again, everyone isn't like me. For hours, he and I went back and forth, blow by blow, just running it and then he asked "Would you let me smash A" (Low blow son)
I know--you're wondering who is A?
A was my first love. That teenage love shit and honestly, when I thought about it..HELL NO he couldn't smash A! So, my question was..
"When does the G Code Apply"
Now, I've always followed the code. I mean, it's the CODE! You smash the jump-off, you smash the friend, but you don't smash the homie's wife! That's a sin! I mean, I've seen it on Jerry Springer and Murray and often the characters blame it on the Alcohol---(Shout-out to T-Pain) but come on son, how true can that be ?!
About one year ago, one of my good friends introduce me to their new "friend". Instantly I'm attracted, but as a true friend, I stand down----(I follow the code remember). For about 3 months they date and it's killing me!
I often wondered, what would have happened if WE met first. I mean, was God playing a game? You don't hang meat in front of a lion and not allow me to eat! For months, I wished for their demise and then finally.....it happened. The divorce..
Once I got word that they were through, i did my part in trying to get them back together but just like Bobby Brown taking a drug test, it failed. Let's ::Fast Forward::
About 2 months ago, I'm at this spot chillen w/ some friends when my boi's ex walks in. We stare, we smile, and sparks fly. We play the catch up game, "How've you been","What are you doing", all the while avoiding the "unspeakable persons" name because we knew, that what we were doing is a mortal sin. About 2 hours into the conversation, i'm invited back to the house to listen to Tank's new CD.
:::clears throat::::
Now, EVERYONE knows that when you're invited to listen to anything by Tank, Trey Songz, or Sade, sex is on the agenda...What was I to do? Nigga was horny! But, I can't! That fuckin G-Code! I obliged.
As I drove down the bumpy streets of New Orleans, I asked myself " Are you ready for this Kidd?! you're not following the code!" but who invented this the CODE?! Who says we can't talk?! I convince myself that I would go inside and explain that what we're doing WASN"T right.
As I walk to the door, my mind is made up. I can't fuck over my boy, it's not right! THIS aint right. My THOUGHTS aren't right but .......leaving isn't right either. I was torn......Suddenly, the door opens and I'm instantly placed at the Pearly gates of Heaven. What do i do? Do i go in or stay out? Do I go to Heaven or Hell??
Hell was hot--The Sex Was Good--and HELL NO, I didn't tell my boi!
I follow the G Code!!!!
Without going into much detail, I wanna focus more specifically on what we call the "G" code. From the suburbs to the ghetto, the G code reigns supreme.
You never ever, ever, ever ever ever fuck your FRIEND"S ex,bf, "friend", dip, or any other adjective that applies.
I'm not sure who invented the G code and when it was first applied, but it has been around for ages. The rules are simple and everyone understands, yet no one follows.
Of course, no one will outright admit to sleeping with their friend's significant other but if you put enough liquor in their system...THE truth WILL come out.
Most recently me and my best friend Joffrey had a discussion on this topic. Joffrey is my ride or die nigga. If he's in jail, more than likely I'll be next to him. If he's in hell, best believe I'm the Devil that dragged him there.
Joffrey believed that it's okay for someone to sleep w/a friends jump-off . He believed that it's the the people that your friend is most serious about, that is off limits. I didn't quite agree.. I mean, how would you know how much someone liked somebody else? For Example: My friend Ashley's sister banned her from dating this guy b/c she kissed him when they were 12! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?--(bullshit)
Fuck all that, I really could care less. That was some female shit. As long as my boi informed me of his intentions, I would be str8, But again, everyone isn't like me. For hours, he and I went back and forth, blow by blow, just running it and then he asked "Would you let me smash A" (Low blow son)
I know--you're wondering who is A?
A was my first love. That teenage love shit and honestly, when I thought about it..HELL NO he couldn't smash A! So, my question was..
"When does the G Code Apply"
Now, I've always followed the code. I mean, it's the CODE! You smash the jump-off, you smash the friend, but you don't smash the homie's wife! That's a sin! I mean, I've seen it on Jerry Springer and Murray and often the characters blame it on the Alcohol---(Shout-out to T-Pain) but come on son, how true can that be ?!
About one year ago, one of my good friends introduce me to their new "friend". Instantly I'm attracted, but as a true friend, I stand down----(I follow the code remember). For about 3 months they date and it's killing me!
I often wondered, what would have happened if WE met first. I mean, was God playing a game? You don't hang meat in front of a lion and not allow me to eat! For months, I wished for their demise and then finally.....it happened. The divorce..
Once I got word that they were through, i did my part in trying to get them back together but just like Bobby Brown taking a drug test, it failed. Let's ::Fast Forward::
About 2 months ago, I'm at this spot chillen w/ some friends when my boi's ex walks in. We stare, we smile, and sparks fly. We play the catch up game, "How've you been","What are you doing", all the while avoiding the "unspeakable persons" name because we knew, that what we were doing is a mortal sin. About 2 hours into the conversation, i'm invited back to the house to listen to Tank's new CD.
:::clears throat::::
Now, EVERYONE knows that when you're invited to listen to anything by Tank, Trey Songz, or Sade, sex is on the agenda...What was I to do? Nigga was horny! But, I can't! That fuckin G-Code! I obliged.
As I drove down the bumpy streets of New Orleans, I asked myself " Are you ready for this Kidd?! you're not following the code!" but who invented this the CODE?! Who says we can't talk?! I convince myself that I would go inside and explain that what we're doing WASN"T right.
As I walk to the door, my mind is made up. I can't fuck over my boy, it's not right! THIS aint right. My THOUGHTS aren't right but .......leaving isn't right either. I was torn......Suddenly, the door opens and I'm instantly placed at the Pearly gates of Heaven. What do i do? Do i go in or stay out? Do I go to Heaven or Hell??
Hell was hot--The Sex Was Good--and HELL NO, I didn't tell my boi!
I follow the G Code!!!!
Bomshell: Closing The Pussy Shop
Andy Warhol said that sex is the biggest NOTHING of all time. I have a friend that is a world renown guitarist. Before I started DJing professionally I saw him perform in Atlanta like in 06. We had dinner and I asked him how did it feel to play on stage. He replied that it is better than sex. I laughed.. "Yeah right son" I giggled. He said "B, when you do something you love and people feeling you and you know you killing it, I swear it's better than sex". After I started djing professionally I had this one gig in particular, it was a Lil Wayne party and I went in. Wayne came out on stage with me and we rocked for an hour and the crowd was rockin.. When I stepped off stage Birdman looked me up and down like 5 times.. I looked him back up and down.. Mannie Fresh told me "you did your thang".. And Mannie touched my heart that nite and didnt know it. I watched these cats on the BOX like everybody else.
That morning at like 5am I called my Guitar Friend and told him "you right" killin a stage with a crowd is WAAYYY BETTER THAN SEX. That type of euphoria I never had in the bed. Then I started pushing mysef as a dj to get that feeling all the time.
Since my last sex partner disappeared I realized... Why was I having sex with him anyway? I know that I can be coldblooded and I think most times that I only have sex because I want to just be touched. I guess to remember that I am in fact still a woman. Yes I DJ, and I'm rolling with the boys all the time, and if you been around me at the club when I'm djing my mouth is Foul. I do talk wreckless cause Im a beast. However when I walk into my place I'm a woman.
Picking sex partners can be exhausting, so many STDs and then you really don't want to be screwing someone else's man. I have a reputation and I refuse for alley cat ass dudes to brag about smashing. Then the dudes start acting all different after I smash them. Im convinced that they want an emotional attachment to feel like they did something special. Im kind of over it. I have never laid in the bed with a man and got up feeling better than I do when I kill a club djing. I agree with ANDY WARHOL... Sex is the biggest nothing of all time....
and I'm closing the pussy shop.. sorry boys..
BOMSHELL: I'm Not at Home Sir
So I have truly been bored lately with the men that attempt to get at me. I think its because of the lack of creativity that they possess. The thing I find most interesting is the fact that nobody plans dates anymore. Now I can take this 3 ways. The first possibility is that these men have no interest in anything but having sex due to curiosity and lust and they only see me as a sex kitten, nothing more. The second possibility is that these guys are just boring ass men with no interest in dating.. The last and probably the most logical is that these guys have a significant other that everyone knows and New Orleans is SO small that he wouldn't dare be seen with me in public. Whatever the scenario, I ain't feeling it.
So Friday the guy I had been talking to lately called me about 6pm and asked what I was doing? Well I was out with Kiki walking up Magazine about to catch the parade, we had a random day living a random Uptown life.. We ate crawfish, ate at the Rum House on Magazine, I was flirting with some guys from the Air Force and I never took off my Andy shades even though it was dark outside. The guy called me almost kind of salty about the fact that I was out and about and didn't consider him in my plans.
----"well I thought we were going to kick it?"
me: Well you never mentioned anything of that nature so how was I supposed to know you wanted to kick it
----- "WELL, how long are you going to be out?"
me: I don't know beats my meat. We are on our way to the bar.
------ Oh okay well I guess I should have known you made plans you know you are so "random"..
me: I like to think I'm a free bird.. Next time you want to do something let me know.
After we hung up, I thought to myself, Do men think that women sit around waiting on them to call? Or better yet, do women actually do that? Do women plan their days around the availability of the guy?
Even if it wasn't Mardi Gras I always go to my secret spot and drink martinis for happy hour with friends. Or Im going to get some oysters or something.
The thing that bothered me was the psychological insult.. "well u know you are random"... How am I random.. No sir I'm Not at Home..
If a guy wants to see someone he should call her ahead of times and plan.. but you know, we don't date in New Orleans... We hook up.
So Tuesday we always go to see Rebirth at the Maple Leaf and eat Bittles afterwards. Another fella texts me at 10pm. "I wanna see you"... I texted back "see me?" He responds "yeah you coming over?"
LOL was my text back.. I was in the Maple Leaf drinking and laughing, and mind you we only went out for drinks once..
At what point did he think I would for 1. Drive to the East. 2. just go to his house impromptu on Rebirth Tuesday?
I just don't understand ... at what point has planning a date become an antiquated practice? And when did men think that a woman's life revolves around his convenience?..
Sorry... I'm not at home sir..
So Friday the guy I had been talking to lately called me about 6pm and asked what I was doing? Well I was out with Kiki walking up Magazine about to catch the parade, we had a random day living a random Uptown life.. We ate crawfish, ate at the Rum House on Magazine, I was flirting with some guys from the Air Force and I never took off my Andy shades even though it was dark outside. The guy called me almost kind of salty about the fact that I was out and about and didn't consider him in my plans.
----"well I thought we were going to kick it?"
me: Well you never mentioned anything of that nature so how was I supposed to know you wanted to kick it
----- "WELL, how long are you going to be out?"
me: I don't know beats my meat. We are on our way to the bar.
------ Oh okay well I guess I should have known you made plans you know you are so "random"..
me: I like to think I'm a free bird.. Next time you want to do something let me know.
After we hung up, I thought to myself, Do men think that women sit around waiting on them to call? Or better yet, do women actually do that? Do women plan their days around the availability of the guy?
Even if it wasn't Mardi Gras I always go to my secret spot and drink martinis for happy hour with friends. Or Im going to get some oysters or something.
The thing that bothered me was the psychological insult.. "well u know you are random"... How am I random.. No sir I'm Not at Home..
If a guy wants to see someone he should call her ahead of times and plan.. but you know, we don't date in New Orleans... We hook up.
So Tuesday we always go to see Rebirth at the Maple Leaf and eat Bittles afterwards. Another fella texts me at 10pm. "I wanna see you"... I texted back "see me?" He responds "yeah you coming over?"
LOL was my text back.. I was in the Maple Leaf drinking and laughing, and mind you we only went out for drinks once..
At what point did he think I would for 1. Drive to the East. 2. just go to his house impromptu on Rebirth Tuesday?
I just don't understand ... at what point has planning a date become an antiquated practice? And when did men think that a woman's life revolves around his convenience?..
Sorry... I'm not at home sir..
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Esquire: LOL...Ditto
I've never been much of a Trey Songz fan. I mean, aside from sounding like R-Kelly, I really don't get his "appeal". I actually preferred him with his braids. He was much more humble. I always thought him to be a homo and honestly, I never could relate to his music until...5 days ago.
So here's the deal, for about 4 or 5 months, i've been dating this dancer. Yeah--I know. This dancer is very notorious around the city for having their fair share of "experiences" but hey, I was not one to judge. I mean, you can never judge a book by it's cover right? Yeah---you can. Anyway, about a year ago, Brandz and I were traveling to ATL when Trey Songz new single just dropped. It was called "We can't be friends" and instantly we all fell in love. Not because of the message but because of the musical production and for 11 months, that's the ONLY reason why I liked the song.. well, until 5 days ago.
"I wish we never fell so deep in love and now there aint no way we could be friends"
I know..I know, I hear the crowd screaming "YOU CAN"T BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX" by who says? Who made that rule?! My roommate is friends w/ all her ex's, so why can't I?
There's obviously a thin line between love and hate but when does that line get erased? The scenario never fails...You cry, you breakup, you wanna stay friends because obviously you were friends first--It doesn't work out and now your enemies. Your best-friend now becomes your worst enemy. Deep shit...Neway, back to the story
We'll just call the dancer "Notorious". So, Notorious and I decide to meet after WW3, hatch things out and and just "kick it", as friends naturally do. It was cool, for 2 whole days, we played the friend game, but does the rules still apply?
Does the relationship rules still apply in the "friend" world?
Do you answer your new prospects phone call in front your "friend"? Can you flirt with the bartender? Can you pluck in the club when you and your "friend" are just kicking it?
Obviously, we're two different people and we have two different expectations so, it's inevitable that someone's hurt right? right...right!
So, I get this call from Notorious and they tell me about this new job prospect and I can't help but have "Ring the Alarm" playing in my head but again, we're friends. So, we're talking about a good 10 mins and the awkward "friend" moment approaches and there's silence..then an "I love you". Shocked, i reply, "what did you say?" and Notorious doesn't repeat. For a good second, i stare at the phone. Do i follow the "friend" rule and never mention those four words again. I mean, just 4 days ago, we said it so smoothly and now, I can't share those feelings? I really did love Notorious and now that we're friends, I can't express it? It got all too confusing!
I tell Brandz, I love her. I tell my nephews, i love them, So, why not Notorious? I take the plunge--i text " I love you too" and await the reply. Silence....1,2,10 minutes pass and then a response
"LOL..Ditto"------WTF?!?!?!?
Bomshell: The Old HO
Last night I dj'ed at an older spot. Clearly I went in a little too "young" with the music but I didn't care because I figured the owner was going to fire me anyway.. (kanye shrug). However I am a DJ of the people so I catered to the people. And I went in for the older folks.
You know we always see her.
She might even be your aunt, or your next door neighbor or your mother-in-law. That lady who is between the ages of 45-65 who never was married, single and still going to the club or bar room on a Saturday Night. The existential "OLD HO".
My younger adopted sister Whitney* years ago actually used to say that we would become "old hoes" joking with each other about the women we would see out. The "Old Ho" may have many variations. There is the "OH" that raised her kids on her own and still fine as wine and date a lot of young men. There is the "OH" that make a living out of living off of men. There is the "OH" that still get sloppy drunk and maybe torn up over how her life has turned out. And then there is the respectable "OH" that just refuse to get old because she was so fly in her younger years. (I think that might be us)
In some form or fashion young women such as myself have been looking up to these "Old Hoes" for advice when we were 18 years old and so impressionable. Let's be honest, a lot of those old hoes gave us the best and worst advice. They either taught us to be independent bad bitches or damn near told us to become an undercover prostitute concealed under the title of a relationship. No matter the angle in the hood, you better get you. You do what you have to do to get you.
So years later, as my friends marry, settle down and have kids, and create a life I wonder... "Will I become that "Old Ho" having random relationships with Random men with way too much baggage than we both can carry? Will I still sit "to the bar" and drink Remy Martin sour and talk about how fine I used to be?
WEll you know what, I realized that this "Old Hoe' stigma may be something of social economic issue. I went to Saints games this year and an older single white lady about 65 years old with lots of money sat a couple of seats down and over. She wore all black with a gold shirt and she was single and went to the games with her daughter and drank her wine and cheered "defense". I looked to my friend Jessica and said "I want to be like her when I get old" fly, fabulous and rich. Then I realized I don't mind being a single older fly woman. I just dont want to be an old ho... the moral to the story is.... I HAVE TO BE RICH.
"DEFENSE!!!!"
You know we always see her.
She might even be your aunt, or your next door neighbor or your mother-in-law. That lady who is between the ages of 45-65 who never was married, single and still going to the club or bar room on a Saturday Night. The existential "OLD HO".
My younger adopted sister Whitney* years ago actually used to say that we would become "old hoes" joking with each other about the women we would see out. The "Old Ho" may have many variations. There is the "OH" that raised her kids on her own and still fine as wine and date a lot of young men. There is the "OH" that make a living out of living off of men. There is the "OH" that still get sloppy drunk and maybe torn up over how her life has turned out. And then there is the respectable "OH" that just refuse to get old because she was so fly in her younger years. (I think that might be us)
In some form or fashion young women such as myself have been looking up to these "Old Hoes" for advice when we were 18 years old and so impressionable. Let's be honest, a lot of those old hoes gave us the best and worst advice. They either taught us to be independent bad bitches or damn near told us to become an undercover prostitute concealed under the title of a relationship. No matter the angle in the hood, you better get you. You do what you have to do to get you.
So years later, as my friends marry, settle down and have kids, and create a life I wonder... "Will I become that "Old Ho" having random relationships with Random men with way too much baggage than we both can carry? Will I still sit "to the bar" and drink Remy Martin sour and talk about how fine I used to be?
WEll you know what, I realized that this "Old Hoe' stigma may be something of social economic issue. I went to Saints games this year and an older single white lady about 65 years old with lots of money sat a couple of seats down and over. She wore all black with a gold shirt and she was single and went to the games with her daughter and drank her wine and cheered "defense". I looked to my friend Jessica and said "I want to be like her when I get old" fly, fabulous and rich. Then I realized I don't mind being a single older fly woman. I just dont want to be an old ho... the moral to the story is.... I HAVE TO BE RICH.
"DEFENSE!!!!"
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